giving power to my words… by sharing them…

I love holiday cards. I love the time people put into them picking out the right family photo, or gathering family together to take one that might be color coordinated, I even love the stock letterhead that people put their letters on.  I read them from start to finish… and then discuss it with whomever is unfortunate enough to be around while I’m reading them.

While in North Dakota recently I was eavesdropping quite blatantly on a group of women who were celebrating birthdays.  They were touting the benefits of a holiday letter to fill people in and I had to nod my head in appreciation of how eloquently it was stated.  If my memory were better I’d plagiarize it and post it here…

come to think of it.. maybe not… it was a retired school teacher that said it… and she and her husband (retired math teacher) still have intimidation factor over my Dad and thus me.

So here is my holiday letter that will not destroy trees or cost me loads in postage.  I won’t have to go by ink cartridges and you won’t have to try to decipher my penmanship.    This is the lazy modern girl method… or so says me.

This year has been a landmark one for my family.  2007 will not go down as the one to cherish… or to be happily recounted in stories told while laughing with friends and empowered by booze.  It will scrape by as one with a few laughs, a few moments of great strength, and countless tears… the year that we just had to get through.  No hopes for it beyond survival.

As we make the final turns into the new year, I am nearly confident enough to say that we made it.

We have endured.

It’s been said to me a few times in the past year that you will never forget the day your mother died… or your wife, in Dad’s case.  January 28th our world stopped existing as we knew it, and we are learning to thrive again in a whole new framework. 

So, of course there are some highlights…. we have managed to fit in some vacations.  Matt and I took in a spring ski trip to Utah in March.. Dad spent enough time in Mexico to make me wonder if he’d come back, we all made it home safely to celebrate Easter with our friends at their lake cabin.  Only a few tears were shed and I think we somehow managed to buy most of a firetruck that weekend.  Someday ask Dad or Matt about that one.

The spring and summer were a bit rougher as my grandfather, mom’s dad, was fighting some health battles of his own.   After making it back to North Dakota in the spring, he was well cared for at the small hospital in their town by the most loving professionals I could have imagined.  That community of people up there in the plains of North Dakota made my heart swell with their spirit and generosity.  Grandpa left us on July 4th. 

Over Labor Day weekend we went back to North Dakota for a burial service for Mom.  Family stood solidly around us as my grandparent’s pastor said a few words at the cemetery and we laid her to rest next to her father.  I did not think it would be a landmark moment in my life, but somehow there is great closure in burial.  It is true.  She is gone.  For the all the crying I did not do through the week of my mother’s death, I have made up for it since.

Grief wells at odd times.  It can strike while happy, or sad, or doing the mundane or celebrating with great joy.  I must admit I am terribly sick of missing her.  For all of the reasons she was grand, for all of her quirks and oddities, for all of her support, and her joy, laughter and inspiration… I miss her now.  I also look forward to a day when her name comes up and I don’t see all heads present turn to us and tilt in the way that says so obviously that you are all still grieving and feeling heartbroken for us.  It is an honest response.. one that shows how greatly we are loved and she is still loved; and somehow I wish we were all at the point now where we can celebrate her… rather than mourn her loss.  Perhaps in 2008.

Through all of the arrangements and things I wanted to do to honor her in her passing.. I forgot only one thing.

The red nail polish so comically named, “I’m not really a waitress”.  A bottle should have stayed with her.  Sigh.  Not bad, if that’s all that didn’t get done.

 Somewhere through all this my brother’s marriage also ended.   I’m telling you… this has not been our year.  2007’s passing will not be mourned in our household.

At the end of August Matt, Dad, MacKenzie and I took a mini-vacation up North camping.  It was gorgeous and the fish bit enough that we didn’t have to lie about it.  We all enjoyed it so much that it could be the start of a new family tradition.   Dad has been fitting in trips all over the dang place since then, and Matt and I are back to our daily work grind. 

I know some of you are wondering what I’m up to, as many of you had asked about what I would do when Mom passed away.  I’m working.  (shock, gasp horror!!!)  The pharmacy business that I have been working to grow for 9 years is starting to make enough progress to get me excited again… better yet… to have me working full time again.  Once in a great while I will pick up a shift at the hospital, but mostly I am home and learning to thrive there again.

That brings us more current.  Thanksgiving was celebrated at Matt’s place with MacKenzie, Dad and I.  We ate well, took naps, played dominos, wore silly hats and were annoyed by dogs.  It was perfect.

December brought with it heartache yet again, as Grandma’s sister Effie left us suddenly and without warning.   Grandma’s loss this year is profound.. and her grace through all is a testament to the amazing woman that she is. 

So for us now?

Well… it’s ski season… so Matt, MacKenzie and I have been at Dad’s frequently on weekends to use our season passes at the Mount.  We all dream of bigger hills.  Dad doesn’t get it.. although he really tries.

This week Matt, Dad and I are all heading to Arizona to spend Christmas with Grandma in Mesa.  None on the same flight or in the same car, but all with the same destination.   

We will start 2008 off with the intent that it be better.   We have things to look forward to.   Matt and I hope to fit in a ski trip out west, maybe even get to bring MacKenzie.  In February we will all be meeting up in Mazatlan, Mexico to do a week of sun, swim and relaxation with my god parents, who are already there on the beach.  I’m not sure if dad is gone through then or if we might see him again in the meantime… no one can blame him for retreating to warmer climates.  (I don’t get it of course…. but anyway…. )  In June we will all be heading to Alaska to create some new family memories together. 

 This posting is long… but we have had a big year in our family.. and I wanted to give you a snapshot.  Dad and I talked about Christmas cards and I told him I thought we should send them, since people would want to know that we are all okay.. and he said, “Oh, so you want us to lie then?”  I said… “No… of course not.. I want you to.”

This is my honest holiday greeting.  We are surviving and starting to learn how to thrive again.   We are laughing, we are loved.

Sarah