At a loss…

Humans often have the distinct advantage over animals of being able to say where it hurts.  We can work through the problem in hopes of finding comfort, be it short term or long term relief.

Dogs don’t have this luxury, and so here I sit, at nearly 1am feeling completely and totally inadequate.

My dog bit me today.

He is tired, old, sore and suffering some intestinal issue.  (I’ll spare you the details.)  He doesn’t feel good, so I want to put him on his big bed and let him sleep… but I can’t.

He is a big dog with a little case of the diarrhea.  That equates big mess and tough clean up no matter how you do the math.  He has to be contained in a easily scrubbed spot… where he doesn’t want to be.

When I asked him to go there, he refused.  When I told him to go there he tried all the other spots in case there was room for compromise.  When I went to go get him he told me he was not intending to go in there with a very clear indication that drew blood.

He has only once bitten someone before in his 11 year life.  He went after me when he was 1 and was feeling pretty dumb about it the second it happened.  He did not feel so bad about it today.

I feel pretty bad about it.

I love my dog and I have no idea what to do for him.  I feel like I am letting him down by not knowing how to help him feel better.  I feel like his playing, romping and eating is a good indication he still wants to be here and it’s premature to think of “easing his suffering”; however, what do you do with a big dog that has been ill twice in the last 3 weeks?  Put him in the outside kennel if he could get through the dog door with his bad hip… or figure out to go where it’s warm so his arthritis isn’t so bad in the cold winter air.

He’s a big old house dog that has no place in the house when he’s sick like this.

I have been living with this dog for 11 years now and I feel like I have no experience to care for him.

This feeling of helplessness and inadequacy brings back so many emotions from my mother’s illness that I am feeling crumpled and overwhelmed tonight.

I’m going to try to take comfort that he is not barking in his poop safe den and go to bed to try to sleep.  It seems so silly to shed so many tears over a mutt, but he is MY mutt, my roommate, my responsibility…

my Fat Boy.

Somehow in the next day or so I need to get into a mindset where I can be the best guardian for him that I can be and figure out how I’m going to care for him as this goes downhill from here.

I’m hoping that just posting this little freak out will help me start transitioning into a mindset where I can take this challenge on, because as it stands right now I’m still struggling with the fact that old dogs get sick and die…

and somehow my dog got old on me while I was still trying to teach him to come when he’s called.

Insert your favorite expletive of exasperation here —>   <—.

S.